Autism Assessment - Part 8

I didn't see this myself, but my mum said that I react differently to different people. Of course, everyone acts differently depending on whether they're with a friend, family member, someone you know in passing or a mixture of these relationships. I had to really think about how I react to different people before I wrote this because I wasn't sure, but I tend to be less chatty with people I don't know very well because I don't know what to say, and I don't want to say anything that would potentially upset or annoy them. Depending on how well I know them, I may try to have conversations, but that sometimes fails miserably. I regularly struggle to have conversations with people because I don’t know how to start them, and I misinterpret cues about whether they want to talk or not.

If I don't know them, I wouldn't talk much at all. If I think I have said the wrong thing, I tend to ask the other person if I have annoyed or upset them. Even if I know them well, I may ask for more reassurance that I haven't offended them because I feel more anxious about my words or actions offending them. However, if I don't know them well, this doesn't mean that I don't care about upsetting them. If I’m in a noisy room full of people I know, but I don’t know them very well, I would just sit quietly.

The final thing we spoke about was things in the wrong place irritating me. Most of the things I own have their own place in my flat. If something gets moved or knocked, even if it’s only a little bit, and doesn’t get put back, it will irritate me until it is put back into the right place. I try to suppress that bit of OCD to not seem fussy or rude, but eventually, I have to get it sorted one way or another. It’s like once I see it, it jumps out and slaps me in the face, and then I can’t unsee it because my brain just fixates on it… Even if I don’t look at the particular thing, I know it’s there, and it has to be sorted.

In my opinion, the phone call assessment was better and more in-depth than the face-to-face assessment because they asked my mum and me more about my life and what I find difficult or stressful, rather than just doing little tasks or telling stories.

The period between the two assessments and finding out the diagnosis felt like forever, and it was sickening because I just wanted to know. Even just an inkling of what might have been the result would be better than sitting in the dark, whilst hoping for some clarity would be better than just nothing. It was horrible!