Hello everyone, I hope you are well. Today I am going to talk about self-confidence - This is something that I have struggled with since making that daunting transition from childhood to adulthood. My comfort zone was secondary school, I was able to make friends easily, I was able to mess around (within reason) and I didn't have much fear about saying things inappropriately. Since I started sixth form college, I have had to watch what I say because I have said some things that were inappropriate, but I didn't realise this until I was talked to. I did apologise at the time, but when I completely understood what I had said was wrong about a year later, I then gave a more meaningful apology. Since then, I have been careful what I say because I sometimes spurt something out that I shouldn't...
My confidence comes and goes, I may be extremely confident one minute, and the next, I've crawled back into my shell. When I am talking to someone that I don't know very well, and when I say something that I know they didn't catch, I suddenly start to struggle (I'm not sure if you'd call it a stutter or not). The same sort of thing happens when I think someone is being impatient or getting irritated with what I am doing or saying.
If you know me or you are a regular reader of Brains on Wheels, you may know that my arms have a mind of their own at times, and I get embarrassed if my arms fly out without warning.... I don't know why I get embarrassed by this, but I know I shouldn't because it is part of me and it's not like I can help it. In one of my previous blog posts that I wrote last year, entitled Dear Cerebral Palsy, I wrote about how I worry that my arms will fly out at an awkward moment, and again, although it's easier said than done, I shouldn't worry about them.
Unfortunately, I am nowhere near as comfortable with myself as I should be, I think I have been comparing myself with my friends, and watching them grow and succeed. Most of my friends are either at university or have a job now... Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but if I am completely honest, I kind of feel a bit left out and I don't do things that most 21 year olds do. I don't feel like an average 21 year old. I guess confidence comes with age and experience. Some people say that I have lost confidence since I started college, and in a way that is true, but I think I have regained my confidence over the last two years or so.
Most of the time, I make out that I'm confident, but that's just me hiding behind a mask... Realistically, as a whole, I think I'm only about 50 percent confident with the way I am. There are times when my feelings fluctuate - some days I may feel less confident than others, but I think that's normal.
There is one more thing that I would like to add to this post. Since I've talked about being myself, I want to end this post with an amazing song from the recent film called 'The Greatest Showman'. This song is called 'This Is Me'.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed it.