ASD, CP and Mental Health (Part 2)

At college, I made one friend in the class, but even though this may sound horrible, I didn’t feel like she was a true friend, more of an acquaintance. I had this person around for a few hours at my parent’s house once, and to be honest, I didn’t feel one hundred per cent comfortable with her, and I realised that I only made friends with her because I thought it was the “right” thing to do at that age and my college encouraged me to make friends. Soon after my second year of college ended, I distanced myself from her, and now we don’t have any contact. I don’t keep in touch with any of the students I met at college, and I am ok with that.

Being a college student with CP was extremely tough, especially when staff couldn’t see my point of view and my potential. At college, I knew that I was different, and I knew it wasn’t all to do with the CP… For the first two years of college, I never fitted in at all. I often cried and had a “meltdown” when I came home from college because I found it exhausting trying to fit in the way the staff wanted me to…

I don’t think they accepted the way I was, and they tried to fit me into a box, even though it was clear that I didn’t fit. I don’t fit into any box – I never have and I never will! At this time in my life, I felt really low and suicidal because I always felt like an outcast at college for one reason or another. I went to counselling sessions to help me with my feelings for about three years, and that helped a lot. Although I still feel like an outcast now, I’m coming to terms with that. I’m trying to accept myself and that I will probably never fit in anywhere… After all, if I don’t accept myself, how can I expect other people to accept me? On the other hand, how can I accept myself if other people don’t accept me? Swings and roundabouts… I’m slowly realising that it doesn’t matter if you don’t fit into boxes that other people try to squeeze you into.

I tried explaining to my mum that I felt different, but when I realised why (a couple of years into college), I never knew how to bring up the subject of ASD, and when I did, it always ended up with Mum and I having an argument… I don’t know if this was because I couldn’t explain how I felt properly, or my mum didn’t want to accept that I was Autistic as well as other family members, or a bit of both. I found it extremely difficult to suppress who I was. I left it for years, but the conversation came up again last year, and I’m pleased that my mum is more open about it now.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3.