ASD, CP and Mental Health (Part 3)

I don’t have many friends; I only have three or four really good friends, and they mean the world; I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. Two of them have seen me at my best and worst times, and I know they will be there for me through thick and thin, even when the world feels like it’s crashing down on top of me and I can’t begin to explain what’s going on. Neither of these people realise how amazing they are, nor do they realise how much they mean to me!

I’ve always tried to stay true to myself, and it has taken a lot to be able to publish this as expressing myself in this way makes me feel very vulnerable because I don’t know how you’ll react. I’ve re-read and re-worded this multiple times… However, let me try to explain what goes on in my head… As I have said, I find it extremely difficult to express my feelings verbally and write them down. I don’t always know how I feel, and complex feelings are incredibly confusing for me to comprehend for some reason. I always wonder how other people are supposed to know how to support me when I don’t even know myself!

If I could draw how I feel, it would look a bit like a tumbleweed with lots of random threads reching out in different directions, but these threads are never-ending. Right in the middle of this chaos is a China teacup; this is the logical part of my brain, but it’s louded with the tumbleweed. Sometimes I just feel like I’m running through a never-ending dark tunnel and the only light keeps moving further away as I run towards it. The things in my head rarely make sense to me…

I also find it incredibly difficult to empathise with people; for example, if someone feels low or fed up, I can miss that cue completely and carry on as normal. I am crap at reading people’s expressions. I find myself in situations where someone will open up to me and tell me what they’re feeling, and I sit there with a blank expression on my face trying to figure out what to do or say. I have no idea how to react. Sometimes I only say the right thing because I have learnt from past experiences, listening to others talking, or it’s just potluck.

Come back tomorrow for Part 4