Finding Out Who I Really Am: Part 2

If you haven't read Part 1 yet, read it now!

When I started college, I said some things that I am not proud of. I didn’t realise how my words sounded to others, and I didn’t really know how I had upset other people. Even when I was called into the office so that the head of the unit could have a “chat” with me to tell me what I had done, I didn’t understand. I said sorry at the time, but I am ashamed to admit that I don’t think I knew what I was apologising for because in my head, it was how I felt and I was taught to be honest and tell people how I feel. I took that literally, so that’s what the problem was there and I regret it so much! A few years later, I realised what I had done, so I gave a more meaningful apology, but I have never forgiven myself for it.

Ever since I remember, I have also done things in a certain order and I like routines, so I don’t like change. When something’s out of place or not “just right”, even if it is only a small thing, like something that a person with a “Neuro-Typical” brain wouldn’t notice, it actually really bothers me! For years, I thought that there was something wrong with me because I am like this, but recently it has all fallen into place…

I have known that I was different from other people, but not just because of my physical disability – I am also different in the way I view the world. I also struggle to voice my thoughts in a way other people would understand; I know what I want to say, but I can’t make it make sense to others. I also feel extremely uncomfortable making eye contact with someone. You may be wondering why I am saying all this, so I’ll tell you… For ages, I have wondered if I am Autistic… It certainly would explain a lot! I know that I have a lot (and I mean A LOT) of Autistic traits because of the way I am and the way I act in certain situations, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I am actually Autistic.

Now, it all makes sense! This all came out when I was talking to my live-in carer about who I am! We could literally talk about anything and everything for hours! I am really glad that I have opened up, but I am also extremely annoyed with myself for not doing so before now, and I am angry with myself for thinking that people who are close to me wouldn’t support me. The main reason I didn’t say anything before is that I was worried about the reaction I would get; I was worried about what people might say or think.

My mum said that she would support me with this, and I knew that she would all along, but there was something going around and around in my head saying that I couldn’t bring it up. When I finally told her, it was a massive relief because I had been holding onto it for so long, not telling anyone! She did ask me why I wanted to have another label, and I’m not entirely sure, but I think it’s about knowing who I really am…