Life Update

It’s March already! How did that happen? Not only that, but Brains on Wheels has just seen its eighth year; I published my first blog post on 14 February 2016! Can you believe that? I’m pleased to say that my writing has improved dramatically since then.

­I’ve hit another milestone: Last January, I moved into my flat permanently. One whole year! It’s been ok, but there have been many bumps in the road. Aside from language barriers, my main struggle is connecting with live-in carers, especially finding the balance between befriending and keeping professional boundaries. As I lack social skills, I don’t know how to open up conversations, or when or how to be forceful correctly without risking annoying people. I’m better at asserting myself now, which is good, but I don’t know when is too much, sometimes…

I’ve struggled to connect with most live-in carers because of communication issues, whether it’s due to language barriers, my speech, with me being anti-social, or a combination. I primarily took Mum’s advice to try and befriend carers, but that doesn’t always work; if their personality is different, it’s difficult. When they’re told that they need to be a “friend”, they sometimes go over the top, which can overwhelm me. Why force it? If it’s there, great, but if not, why try to find something that’s non-existent?

I also don’t understand why I get so lonely sometimes. Most live-in carers just stay in their room all the time unless I need them, which is fine, but I would like to have some interaction. I like my own company most of the time, but I do like a chat sometimes, and if I am left for most of the day, I do get lonely and start thinking about not-so-nice things; I blame myself for not being able to interact with my carers… I feel like I should try more, but I don’t know how… It’s a basic communication skill, and I am 27 years old, so why don’t I know how to interact with people? If I am Autistic, why do I feel like this? If I’m not Autistic, why do I struggle so much? Why do I even care? It’s just me, I should be happy with the way I am, but it’s so difficult to accept yourself when others don’t.

I’ve questioned myself so many times, and unfortunately, I’m rarely completely happy with the way I am nowadays, but when I’m really struggling, I turn the volume up on my computer and listen to P!nk… (Anyone who knows me knows that P!nk is a huge part of my life; she is a massive role model.) My friend knows when something is wrong, and she always helps; she asks me what’s wrong, and half of the time, I can’t even explain how I feel! I always think something is wrong with me, especially when I’m in this state of mind. I hate it!

I do try my best, but sometimes I feel it’s not good enough for some people. It is so confusing and frustrating for me. I find it all incredibly difficult, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come in navigating the world and managing my own life.